Sunday, May 11, 2008


So last night was my welcome back get together at the Mexican restaurant. Boy did I pig out! I think I was very close to committing the sin of gluttony. Today, for mothers day, my mom wants buffalo wings, so off to Chili's we go! I am actually looking forward to Tuesday's diet at this point.

But the real part that plagues me doesnt seem to have a timeline and I dont really have much control over it. Last night was the first time I had any non superficial discussions with anyone since I have been home. Partly because I didnt want to and partly because I didnt need to. I was listening to my friends talk about various things and the entire time my insides were screaming. I just dont quite feel like I belong and I can relate to these things anymore. It seemed at times like I had changed so much that we were strangers and yet, I remember not too long ago participating in those same conversations.

I tried my best to express myself but it was futile. I rambled and probably offended and, in the end, felt worse than if I had kept my mouth shut. Even now, I struggle for words to describe how I am feeling. I wrote in my book shortly after arriving in Venice that plane tickets dont alter your life--they just transport it somewhere else. I am not sure I believe that anymore. Or perhaps its true and the actual living in Venice is what changed me.

And what has changed? Alot and nothing. I have this tug of war inside when I think about doing something. Just this morning, I thought about how nice it would be to have the morning paper delivered again so I can read it at leisure. But then immediately, I thought that was the old habit I had (and all I ever read were the sales ads anyways) and how much I wished I could walk around Venice instead and view the sights. Its a small thing, I know, but it only escalates from there when I think about my relationships and my future. Its rather maddening.

Perhaps I didnt really know myself before I left and have a better impression now that I am back. Regardless, I am different. I long for the feeling of comfort I had once here and yet I find it strangely repulsive. I dont want to fall into old habits and traits but I desire some consistency. I say to myself that once I have a job, this will all be better and at the same time I think that the job will take me back to that other life where I was someone else and I am not sure I want to be that person again.

This is all too deep and horrific for a Sunday morning and something I have no answers for, so it probably best I stop waxing poetic and move on to something those boneless buffalo wings I am about to eat!

1 comment:

We Love Italy said...

Hi Susan! I can very much identify with how you are feeling. We returned after a year in Italy with the same feelings. It took weeks before anything started to look or feel familiar. I think the only thing that snapped us back to our reality was we found out we were expecting our daughter. The ultimate souvenir. What also helped us was to find other expats in our area to talk with - people that really understand the new pair of glasses we were wearing. I love reading blogs of those living the Italian life too - it keeps me connected to my own italian experiences.

Be patient and kind to yourself as you find your Phoenix feet again.

Ciao from Seattle,